What the Henkel, Padawan?

by Erma Bombeck

Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.

“Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia. Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint…give her Gerard. He’s used to profanity.” Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles.

“Give her a preemie.” The angel is curious. “Why this one, God? She’s so happy.”
“Exactly,” smiles God. “Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel.”
“But does she have the patience?” asks the angel.
“I don’t want her to have too much patience, or she’ll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she’ll handle it. I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I’m going to give her has a world of its own. She has to make it live in her world, and that’s not going to be easy.”
“But Lord, I don’t think she even believes in you.”
God smiles. “No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just the right amount of selfishness.”

The angel gasps, “Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?” God nods. “If she can’t separate herself from the child occasionally,she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn’t know it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says momma for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see– ignorance, cruelty, prejudice– and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side.”

“And what about her Patron Saint?” asks the angel, his pen poised in the air. God smiles.
“A mirror will suffice.”

We didn’t get the answers that we wanted to hear at the doctor’s today. The so-called “vascular malformation specialist” said that she thought that it is more of a hemangioma. That’s it. She took one look at her and wanted to move on, basically dissing her. I guess we won’t be her pet project after all. She did call Erik later in the day and schedule a meeting with a radiologist who will use an ultrasound to make sure that it actually is a hemangioma. Now, we have to wait until next week for that appointment, then the week after that we meet back up with her to hear the verdict.

I brought in all my notes and questions. She wasn’t impressed with that, stating that the information that I brought was from America where they “tell patients what they want to hear to make money”. I didn’t realize until after we left that the stats that I was using were from Australia. Why couldn’t I have looked down at the paper earlier? When I asked about the cortizone treatments (which I read should be administered as soon as possible for optimal results) she said that is only the very rare cases that receive treatment and doubted that Adrienne would be eligible for that. Then, when I asked my next question about the risks of flying with a hemangioma, she looked at me like I was crazy. She said that I couldn’t take her out of the country since she might be in treatment. WHAT!?!? You just said that she most likely wouldn’t get the treatment. Argh! When Erik asked if we would have to come into the hospital to get the treatment (if we would be so lucky), she said (shocked): “of course not! you could give it to her orally at home!” What!?!?! Why wouldn’t I be able to do that from Canada? Idiot!

So, we have to wait some more. In the meantime, I’ll be researching more on cavernous hemangiomas since that seems to be what the “doctor” thinks it is. At least, she didn’t just say: “let’s wait and see until next month”. I think I really would have lost it then.

Here is a picture of my supergirl after our appointment today. You can see that she isn’t pleased either. All this and she’s fighting a cold and having extreme tummy pain. She really is a superhero.